i love both you and the german language way too much
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Mittwoch, September 29, 2004
When I drove up Cob drive a little after 4 and then again at 6:40 there was this kid, the same kid both times, out on a scooter, and he made me happy. It's nice to think that there exists in Westport a middle-school-aged child who can spend two and a half hours walking up and riding down that hill. *live vicariously through scooterboy* Wheeeeee.
Also I have started hording the tiny odd ends of yarn that people throw away at work.
Also I wore my new insubstantial skirt today and I am yet more baffled at the shortshort fluttery skirts that some of the chica's wear nowadays...how can you survive in that? this skirt comes nearly to my knees and i feel like i have to be constantly aware of whether i'm actually clothed. The little skirts are like skating dresses, only in skating you accept the fact that your skirt is going to fly up and expose you, and you attatch the skirt to a leotardy thing...and wear one or more layers of opaque tights. I do not want to live in constant fear of having my ass become accidentally exposed.
6:42 PM
I am going to whine a bit now. Just for a little variety...?
I have a very difficult time buying shoes. My feet, you may know, are very large feet, so large that many brands of shoe are not available to fit them. My feet are also quite narrow, which means that some shoes long enough for them rattle around and don't work. Big shoes also tend to be ugly. I am also quite tall, and would prefer that my shoes not make me appear taller. Most women's dress shoes have heels, and those that don't tend to look very cute in size 5 and and ridiculous and clown-like in size 11 or bigger. I also don't wear leather, and nearly all women's dress shoes are made at least partially of leather. NOnleather shoes are usually buyable online, where my difficult-to-fit feet can't try them on.
So I don't buy shoes recreationally, and that doesn't bother me. The reason I've decided to whine today is that the shoes I bought to wear to Allison's Bat Mitzvah are finally starting to strike me as too clunky and dated and worn-out to be worn. Now, it seems, I need to buy a new pair of black strappy dress shoes. Ugh ugh ugh (hehe. Did you feed my cow? Yes ma'am).
oh my life is so hard *whine* *whine* i suggest you pity me and allow your pity to make you do nice things for me, like carrying me around in a sedan chair or sending me gifts of socks.
1:23 AM
Montag, September 27, 2004
Ich habe Deutsch so gern...und ich denke dass ich ein Nena-fan werde. Die Nena gefaellt mir.
7:37 PM
Sonntag, September 26, 2004
Hahahah interesting failure of a night. 'Twas the fun kind of failure, though.
So Erin, Cindy, and I decide to mix things up a little and go mini-golfing. Erin figures out how to get to Calf Pasture beach, she and I go to Stew's and bring home dinner, dine, and then go to get Cindy. We all go to the mini-golf place, but upon arriving see that it is closed and the road is blocked off. I get out of the car to read the sign (the place was minorly scary in its desertedness), and learn that they are closed for the weekend because of whatever boat showy thing is going on around them. Undaunted (well, only minorly daunted), we decide to go to the Community Theater, where we think The Notebook is playing, as it is much cheaper and much closer to norwalk than the multiplexes. The Notebook is NOT playing at the Community theater; Spiderman 2, which Cindy has already seen, is playing at 10 (it's around 8:45 or a little earlier, at this point). We drive off, waiting for an opportunity to turn around and head over to the normal movie theaters, when we see the bright lights of a night football game at the new high school in Fairfield, and decide to take a look at the school, which none of us have yet seen, and the football lights, which seem about as invasive as the residents of High Point Road claim them to be. The game ends shortly befor 9, and we rush back to the car to avoid being caught in the traffic leaving the parking lot. Upon arriving at the car, we notice that something smells decidedly icky, but blame it on the air conditioning (I don't know how this made sense; Erin is weird). In the parking lot of the theater, we discover that the ac does not, in fact, smell of crap, but rather that Erin has stepped in crap, in her flip-flop-clad feet. The Nalgene, ever helpful, pours small pubbles of water onto the pavement, in which Erin starts wiping her feet. Eventually, I rip pages from my date book and use them to wipe nearly all of the crap residue from Erin's foot, while the much-laughing Cindy and Erin try to keep Erin balanced. We wipe the shoe off as much as possible, and head into the theater. After some more washing of Erin's shoe and my nalgene in the bathroom, we decide to kill time by investigating the mysterious second floor of the movie theater (most mysterious in that it does not seem to exist). I find only one door (actually on the third floor) that is marked, 'private' but is not locked, and open it. It leads to a narrowish set of stairs leading up to what seems to be a small hallway from which elevator music is emanating. I run away. Erin suggests that the staircase leads to the projection booth; Cindy and I suspect a secret society. We do not go home, with our abundant time (The movie we have decided to see is Garden State, which all of us (particularly Maggie) have been meaning to see. It starts at 10 and we've been at the theater since 9:12.), to get Cindy's license for assured admittance to the R-rated film. We realize that Cindy, while nearly 18, has no ID, and delegate me to buy the three tickets. Despite the fact that none of us has ever been carded before, the woman demands ID for each ticket. Embarrassed and certain that the woman thinks Cindy an eleven-year-old, we conference momentarily and decide to go to Wimbledon, which is rated PG-13. To further our embarrassment, we all pay individually, thus probably confirming the ticket-seller's suspicions that I was buying the tickets because i was the only seventeen-year-old present. We head over to the arcade-let for some distraction, where we are delighted to find two junkie-toy machines containing miniature HOMIES. Erin feeds the first machine 50 cents and recieves a POLICE OFFICER, the most unhomieish Homie imaginable. Erin and I each contribute a quarter to our last hope for a success in the evening, our hope for a moderately fun Homies mini doll. We receive two small shards of plastic. We attend the replacement movie and enjoy it, despite my near-continuous bitching about not getting to see Garden State. On the way home, we complain loudly. Erin and I take Cindy home. Erin thinks she sees a squirrel when no such squirrel exists. She concludes (very amusingly, I promise you) that she is halucinating FROM RAGE. We laugh. We tell Cheryl our story and she says that we should have stayed home and done SAT prep.
1:16 AM
Freitag, September 24, 2004
being very busy means i don't write here. I hate the college application process; it is stealing my life. i seem to be having daily late afternoon stress headaches, which aren't fun. I felt genuinely useful in a customer service kind of a way at work today, which was nice.
mrs honeycutt says: go to brown. don't go somewhere i'm going to 'outgrow' too quickly. it doesn't matter where you go to college anywhere near as much as it matters whom you marry, so save your energy to worry about that. i will get into college.
i put off my german essay-thing for so long. shame on me. i must do that tonight, and I want to do it well and damn I am a stupid girl.
i am fun, though. the world would enjoy me if it had a chance to see me. i miss the world. have been pretty isolated all week.
life is pretty good though. my main consistent emotion is stress, or maybe dread, about epgy, then there's vague unease about college, then there's overwhelmedness, then all the happy emotions, tied with lonliness unless i've had recent non-work social interaction, then more immediate things like being annoyed with the unfun kids in my discrete class or intrigued by something i'm reading or useful/useless at work or fun/laughingy or tired.
walking around staples a little bit today, i was surprised by all the seniors still being there, doing their staples thing...i just kind of think of them as too good for that. or too big/old/something. i don't know, but it was weird to find them there, senioring.
i know it'll all work out dandily, but getting from here to the point at which it's all worked out is probably not going to be fun. yarn is fun, though...i have all-day-long knitting fantasies. and physical anthropology articles are fun. and all my children is fun, after its fashion.
7:34 PM
Sonntag, September 19, 2004
I broke two bowls today, one ceramic and one old tupperware (shattering tupperware? hmm). Dropped both and they both split nearly in half in nearly the same way. Mommy asked, 'Sweetie, what are you nonverbally trying to tell Mommy? What do the broken bowls mean?' and it was funny. But I bet tummy really did hurt back in the day.
And it turns out nobody got 40+ on a senior shirt. Allison's getting 'Yo Vanilla,' instead, which is very funny, but I enjoyed the other so much.
Sorry to post so ridiculously today, but i haven't been actually talking to people much so I've had to talk to myself, instead.
10:22 PM
I just realized I haven't been great about vitamins, recently, AND I have my period. I hope they let me give blood tomorrow. Come on, anemia fairy!
5:36 PM
I think it's bad for me not to have the boys around because they never let me get away with going all seventh grade superbitch on daddy and without their mocking/scolding I get worse.
oh well.
I don't think i can be catholic anymore. Jon and Merry were talking/laughing about their rejections of catholicism, but I don't feel like that...this hurts. I've loved catholic worship and catholic prayers and the act of going to church with mom and seeing various friends there and singing hymns and everything for a long time, and it upsets me (like i'm crying right now) not to be able to feel that any more. and if i'm not catholic, what am i? do i want to go find another religion that makes more sense to me? but what would that even mean? joining a religious community as a semi-adult is so different from faith that's been "mine" since before I can remember, and...dammit, i want my church back. I guess this is weird because I don't feel much of any animosity towards the church (there it goes being capitalized again (yes, i'm aware i didn't type the capital, but i can hear it in my miiiiind)!); I just feel like i can't...support it or subscribe to it any more. i keep thinking about my confirmation, and how good that was and how much sense things made then...if the holy spirit would like to refresh my Knowledge, Wisdom, Right Judgement, and Awe and Wonder, i would appreciate.
10:44 AM
also i just killed a bug. yes, i have killed bugs before, but this was a very small bug that wasn't bothering me at all and that i didn't intend to kill or think about killing and yet there was a pin on the shelf and two teeny little bug-dots crawling around and i guess i went into one of those destructive trances like when i ripped open the small hole in one of my skating turtlenecks until the neck was almost entirely detatched, and i took the pin and i smote the poor little bug. it freaks me out when i do things without thinking about them, especially when they involve unnecessary bug-killing, i suppose
2:50 AM
Also, I went to visit Jon and Merry for a short evening and morning. I'm very glad I did. It would have been nice if I could simultaneously have been with just merry, with just jon, and with the both of 'em, but obviously that wasn't possible, and life was happy anyway. neither of them is likely to disintigrate in the next few months, so I don't worry too much. if that didn't make sense, well...that's life I suppose. i'll survive being accused of babbling nonsense.
uncle peter has some random genetic condition that makes him unable to break down this drug they use to paralyze you before they give you anaesthesia (because I guess it'd make you spasm out of control otherwise?) and he stayed paralyzed after he became conscious after his surgery and it was bad-ish. Dad is like a carrier or some such i think...he has the enzyme that breaks down the drug, but not very much of it...i forget how that randomly came up in the car on the way to brooklyn, but mom and dad were like 'oh, yeah, if you're ever going in for surgery, you might want to know about that.'
i am very very tired
2:28 AM
Just came back from Aunt Margaret's suprise fiftieth birthday party, so I've been thinking about her and John again, as I do often enough. I guess I want to know how to feel about their relationship, what to take from it, but I have only a few basic facts and a few short conversations with Mom about the matter to base my understanding on. If you're spending your fiftieth birthday with the same boyfriend you had when you were sixteen, that ought to be some kind of romantic, true love story, oughtn't it? If Margaret and John were so...bound together, why did it take them so long to get married in the first place? And then there's the whole cheating-on-my-aunt bit and subsequent divorce...but if there's not some kind of inescapable pull or tie there, how/why did they get back together? What's it like for Aunt Margaret to cut a cake surrounded by neices and nephews, when she wanted to have children, but didn't? Should I be angry at John for taking that away from her? How must she feel about him not only to forgive him, but also to end up being "happier with him than without" as Mommy once put it, trying to explain, I think, why Aunt Margaret was living with him again.
Are there married couples who are more in love than Margaret and John, or than Mommy and Daddy? I don't know anything more about M+D than I do about M+J, of course (and it's kind of a weird thing to think about/question), but the way Mom talked about marriage always managed to take a positive outlook while sounding depressing...basically a life of changing partners every so often, or when certain problems became too bad or something, until the lonliness of not being settled became big enough to outweigh the imperfections of your potential spouse. i'm not sure i'm paraphrasing her at all correctly, but she seemed to think this was not a frightening or sad concept, so maybe it isn't. I know she doesn't believe in finding a soulmate any more than I believe in finding a 'perfect fit' college.
So were Margaret and John meant for each other but a bad match, and Mommy and Daddy not meant for each other but well matched? Maybe it's silly for me to be trying to understand romantic love, marriage, and lives three times as long as my own. The concepts fascinate me, though.
I want to have children (don't worry, whover my personal reminder-not-to-get-pregnant is today; I don't mean NOW. I mean during my life). I hope I don't get to the point where I lose that opportunity for a man I love.
1:46 AM
Dienstag, September 14, 2004
For some things that go wrong with my voicemail, the automated voice says 'unfortunately,' and then the problem, but for other things, she says, 'i'm sorry,' and it strikes me as weird that this recording that was made before I ever mistyped my password sounds so sincerely sorry that it happened.
11:56 PM
The question of the day is...why do I avoid alcohol? What started as not having enough time on any given occasion to consciously decide if I wanted to drink (and therefore defaulting to not doing so) has become a policy, and I'm not quite sure when, why, or how.
And yet I have no desire to change it. I think it's probably a food thing, mostly. Seven calories a gram, alcohol...I am ridiculous.
I had my first dream about yarn the other night...i think i dreamt that I dropped the luxura cashmere in the toilet. It was scary.
Speaking of the luxura cashmere (woah. the tab has started tabbing instead of changing the windowy boxy thing. weird), I want it. every day I look at and/or touch that scarf or the unknit yarn in the drawer and I try to plot ways to HAVE it. you have no idea how soft this yarn is. and the colors are gorgeous. and one hank (makes one scarf) costs ninety dollars. NINETY. even if I got a discount and made that my only christmas present to mom or dad, It'd be too expensive to be justified...and both mom and dad would be more offended than pleased by that impractical/expensive a gift. and there's the sheep who may have suffered in its production...meep. someone needs to comission me to knit something from that cashmere. much as I'd love to have the finished product forever, it'd be enough just to knit with it...preferably a really big sweater or something...something that'd take a while. and then I'd withold it for a few days before turning it over to the owner, and like sleep with it and snuggle it erin-style all the time. of course, i'd have to practice sweater-making a lot before then, because i'd feel like a vandal having to pull out work with the luxura...meine geute that's beautiful yarn. I want it I want it I want it.
Wow. sorry to rave about my unfulfillable yarn-lust for so long, but you really have to see (and feeeeeeeeeel!) this cashmere.
9:21 PM
Samstag, September 11, 2004
I went to german school today. 'Twas slightly nervwracking, but I think it'll work out well. I'm pretty sure I've chosen the 8th/9th grade german fours (they've already taken the aatg level 4 once *quakes*) over the intermediate adults. They speak german way better, and the teacher basically never speaks english, and even if i like the environment of the adult class better in other ways, it's not as intense.
In other news, I keep hearing orphenians sing "Bridge over Troubled Water" inside my skull, and thinking about the anniversary-ness of today.
One of my thumbs has gotten really warm...like it would if i'd smashed it or it were a core-area organ or something. I didn't smash it, and it continues to be my thumb, and it's very odd. I touch them both to my mouth and my right thumb is all cold and normal and my left thumb is warmer than my lips. very very strange.
2:20 PM
i got my first paycheck today. when i close my eyes, i see balls of yarn.
i looked at my phone in the diner just after midnight and realized that it was september 11th.
later i lost my keys and had to have mom come rescue me and so forgot about the date until just now.
hmm.
1:31 AM
Donnerstag, September 09, 2004
It feels really odd to be home right now; the store is calling to me. I really like it there. I'm starting to feel really comfortable with Cynthia and with Jill, who is really cool and on whom I have the beginnings of a big-girl-admiration crush, and the space is cozy and pretty with all the yarns on display, and I have so much fun just handling them and thinking about all the crazyfun stuff I could knit with them (so expensive, though! *shock* *shock*). I also like feeling useful, knowing that I'm helping them and that I'm making money for myself. I hope I can start working there in the regular, not day-by-day way after the store opens and my schedule is set. I'm optimistic about that; Cynthia said this morning that she hadn't had a chance to tell me what a wonderful job I was doing, but that I was and they really appreciated it, and that made me sehr happy.
BUT I can definitely use this time to do homeworky things and to relax. In updatiness, I'm registered for Discrete (I'm kinda doubting whether I should stay in it...seems like more than half of the stuff I learned in logic or theo...damn you CTY for overqualifying me for life! Dad suggests that I talk to the professor (which I had been planning to do) and try to independent study within the course, but then Dad also says lots of silly stuff acting like I'm not doing enough this semester (which is ludicrous; Mommy is constantly bugging me to cut back because I can't control my over-committing self), so maybe I shouldn't listen to him.) and for Physical Anthropology and Archaeology (actually I think she's spelling it arche, but that never looks right to me), which seems to be more focused on the physical anthropology and less on the archaeology, which is good to complement what I already do and don't know. The anthro professor seems awesome, though she's nearly deaf and forgot her hearing aids today, which made communication somewhat dificile. I'm very excited about this course, though (and now, having said that here and to mom (and probably planning to say it to others over the next few days) I will sit and hope the fairies (salt of the earth, fairies) don't come and mess with the one shred of (not that happy, even, really) happiness in my otherwise dull and dismal life).
Driving home from Fairfield I went down Hulls Highway and then up Sturges, on two successive whims ( :-p ) , and it was beyond weird. I guess most of the hills that we run I've biked, walked, and driven over the years, so I have separate mental expectations or something, and am not constantly shocked by the differences...or something. I don't know. I've definitely never driven up Sturges while paying attention, before, though, and I seem always to have run it at the end of a long, tiring workout, and...it just severely freaked me out. Not sure if I can explain it adequately.
Also, In the registrar's office today, some random kid was staring at my chest. This is (start the fanfare, make it official) the first time I have noticed that happening. I was first mildly surprised, then mildly amused, then mildly concerned that my outfit (which, when I thought about it, was a rather chest-showcasing one) was skanky, then filled (mildly?) with righteous feminist anger at random staring kid for being able to make me doubt myself like that. Damn males with their damn penises and their damn physical/historical dominance. Or something.
Last updatey bit: Ryuureu was this past weekend and it was good and also not good and yay. On the way there I lost my phone, which had several negative consequences and about which I feel rather guilty, but the new phone Mommy generously bought me to replace it is so much better than the old sucky one and I like it more than I've liked a non-water-vessel-or-clothing-item inanimate object in quite some time. That kind of bothers me because I don't like it when I get too attatched to my things, but I suppose it's not a particularly big deal.
4:13 PM
Donnerstag, September 02, 2004
school started today for staples upperclassmen. glad i wasn't there. hope the senior girls had fun with the tie-dye-ness.
9:06 PM
Mittwoch, September 01, 2004
laddie said he talked to marty and marty said i couldn't run with the team. i was sad but figured i'd try to finagle a way around it. then laddie started asking me about how it felt to be homeschooling and all that and he asked me if i missed stuff and i started crying and now i'm very very very sad.
not being on track was sad. i missed track. i probably cried about that a good deal. this feels different. i want my cross country!!!!!! *sob* this is leaving-cty-like, if maybe not quite as bad. maybe it is as bad. i hadn't realized i would hurt this much. i saw everyone leaving practice and just...i want to be part of them. i want that preseason feeling of lying around on the grass, stretching after a good run, surrounded by friends, making grand and optimistic plans for the season. i want the easier motivation to run! and the people to run with, and the...everything. i love cross country so much and i guess i hadn't reeeaaaaally realized that it would go on without me, or how hard it would be to watch it do so. aaaaaahhhh it hurts. i love that team. i love its members and its team-ness and it's comfortable-ness and how good it is for everyone on it and how much fun it has and how it was a being-myself-unselfconsciously place for me for three years and...*has stopped crying for the moment* i know i must make sacrifices. i just...
...well, you know.
5:23 PM
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